"Sit down and shut up!"
I sat frozen in my chair, my eyes locked on the microphone at the front of the expectant room. The invitation was open. I wanted to get up. I wanted to walk up there, turn and face the room full of people and speak. Several others had already taken their turn. I too had something I wanted to say - needed to say! My chest ached with the weight of it, but still the voice shouted...
"Sit down and shut up! Sit down and shut up! Sit down and shut up!"
How many times had I heard it running circles in my head, as if my ears had turned inward and everything outside of my body were silent until all I could hear were the hateful words played over a thousand times before:
"No one wants to hear what you have to say. You don't know what you're talking about anyway. You'll only embarrass yourself. So sit down and shut up! Sit down and shut up! Sit down and..."
This ever present resistance to my voice has dogged my steps for as long as I can remember. All my life has seemed a struggle to be heard by even those closest to me, let alone from a public platform.
Fear.
Invalidation.
Doubt.
Criticism.
Failure.
Shame.
Abuse and misuse.
PTSD.
Dysphonia.
The Liar.
All of them whisper, command, scream, "Sit down and shut up. Sit down and shut up! Sit down and Shut Up!"
For years I have sat on the floor of my bedroom, alone under a tree in the woods, pounding away on a computer keyboard, or tucked in the corner of a hayloft writing, talking, singing to my God alone. I've written songs almost no one has heard, filled a shelf of journals no one has seen, written books that no one reads. I have poured my heart into words on paper, in music, through prayer.
Still I have been silent before a broken, bleeding world desperate for words of comfort, of hope, of truth.
No more!
It may be that no one wants to hear what I have to say. No one has to hear it. No one has to read this; no one has to listen.
I am going to speak anyway.
Because we live on the fringe of the eternal, and I live for the love of My God.
He speaks to me. His voice is more beautiful, His tone more tender, His words more precious by far than anything else that could ever be heard.
He speaks to all of us, you know.
Have you been listening?
I do not claim to speak for God. He can do that for Himself.
All I wish to do is share with you what is in my heart - a heart that loves Him more than anything; a heart that has wept and suffered and yet clung to Him, screamed and raged and still clung to Him, tripped and fallen and felt Him catch me, sat silent and listened and heard Him whisper as He has held me in the midst of pain...
"I am near the broken, Honey."
We are all — every living, breathing one of us — on a journey, wether we know it or not. We could all use a little encouragement, a glimpse of beauty, a breath of hope.
I do not have all the answers. I do not have it all figured out. I can't explain why bad things happen, why I have memories that plague me, triggers that send me reeling. But what I do have I am going to share with you — my love for God, and His love for me in the middle of it all, which is the same as His love for you, no matter what you may be in the middle of yourself. I will share excerpts from my journals with you, prayers I have penned, stories of the moments that have impacted my heart, visions and dreams, poems and songs, letters I have written to Jesus, and sometimes even the letters God has written back to me.
Perhaps what I have to say will touch your heart. I hope it will. I pray it might lend you a glimpse beyond the fringe, where our human hearts are the most sought after treasure to exist within the scope of time and beyond, pursued by Love relentless, passionate, endless.
I no longer care who may tell me to sit down and shut up. I will not. You may call me a fraud. You may call me crazy. You may call me anything you wish as I lay my heart open.
As for me, I commit my words to whatever good they may do for you; I commit my words to the purposes of My God.
The things God puts in your heart are important, when you speak, you can see the passion and feel the anointing from God, so speak what God has placed in your heart, and He will speak through you. Your music touches my soul